I thought it was going to be an article on safety-pinning buttonholes or something, fashion tips on how to keep your boobs from popping out when you don't want them to.
It is actually a rant about what women wear at dances, and how they should cover up more lest they provoke men into being "distracted by so much cleavage or full boobage that it becomes ogling and/or pushes them into creepy territory," or scar children for life. The rant is prompted by her husband having seen someone's boob that popped out of her dress on NYE; Lindy Shopper ends the post stating that she doesn't want to come home and hear stories about the breasts he saw, so we should all really cover up already.
(sorry for the quote so early in the piece, but it's just... I suspect I would be accused of hyperbole if I simply told you that Lindy Shopper thinks what women wear is responsible for how men act.)
Nearly every sentence of this article makes me choke. It's difficult to know where to even begin going "Nope."
The article opens with a story about one band member point out to the other that a woman's breast had popped out of the top of her low-cut dress on NYE.
I'm.. I'm just gonna quote large stretches of this, OK?
Yes, guys, I know you want to see attractive women at dances; however, the consensus has generally been that most guys don’t want to be a horn dog at dances, distracted by so much cleavage or full boobage that it becomes ogling and/or pushes them into creepy territory. Generally, guys who want to respect boundaries are going to be uncomfortable being pulled between instinct and decorum and are probably just less likely to dance with a potential wardrobe malfunction.Most guys don't want to be horndogs, but what you wear (or don't wear!) can drag them kicking and screaming over that line, ladies. Guys want to respect you (They do!), but they might be pulled to hard towards their "instinct" (consequences unspecified), and just not dance with you if you look too slutty. So there.
Why are men not more insulted by stuff like this? If I were a guy, I would find this article incredibly condescending.
I am pretty sure all of my lindy hopper friends who are male are grown ups and independent persons capable of making decisions about their actions, and are not dogs smelling bitches on heat, compelled to hump whatever they see or smell.
|"The Man Show"|
"a full trampoline bounce."News flash: if you have boobs big enough to bounce when you lindy, they'll do it whether you have a piece of fabric over them or not. If you do have breasts that big though, you better watch out, because your lindy might as well be porn (trampoline bounce??). You should know what you're advertising. Oh, but sorry, it's
the apprehension that makes it so distracting for me – consider that the scope of the apprehension can go further than your dance partner. [emphasis mine]Her apprehension, and the presumed dance partner and onlooker apprehension, is likened to watching a car fall off of a cliff. YOU'RE AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN, WOMAN. I'm, like, so scared for you. [Actually, no, I'm angry at you for dangling the possibility of seeing boobs in front of my husband.]
She goes on to detail a number of other sins, besides just wearing dresses that are too low-cut:
For Lindy Focus, this was probably more of an issue on New Year’s Eve (as retailers notoriously only offer sparkle in cleavage-friendly shapes), but I did notice other things throughout the event, like sheer shirts over darkly contrasting bras (camisole, anyone?) and ill-fitting strapless dresses that looked as though the top were Hoover Dam about to burst from a flood of chest. Much of this goes back to buying clothes that fit you well (but not tightly – there is a distinction), but also shapes and necklines that are complimentary to your shape. [emphasis mine]Cleavage is a sin. Sheer shirts are a sin, having big boobs and wearing a strapless dress is a sin. Wearing clothes that are too tight is *definitely* a sin.
So, this is what I wore to the compete in the strictly blues comp at Focus:
|photo posted with permission from|
Hilary Mercer Photography
|photo posted with permission from|
Jessica Keener Photography
I am not ashamed of myself and I won't let you tell me I should be.
She goes on to explain that you should be more ashamed if you have a larger chest, obviously. (This is common sense, people!)
If you have a smaller chest, you can get away with showing more skin – this is an inversely proportional relationship. Likewise, the larger your chest is, the less skin you can get away with showing, because there is more of it.If you show too much, you won't have "gotten away" with it. You'll be a disgrace.
Finally, there's this:
Another consideration, for the burgeoning nudists among us, were the children present at Lindy Focus. I almost tripped over sleeping children near the stage on a couple of nights, but there were also children running around at the main dances. Let’s try not to scar these kids for life.Burgeoning nudists! That was almost funny! Oh wait, no, it was awful. "Wear things I disapprove of and you might as well be naked."
And, really, won't someone think of the children? The children? (some of whom, at Focus, were young enough that they might have been eating from a boob in the very recent past.) The children will be scarred for life by your breasts. Scarred for life. By breasts.
Little kids really just do not give a shit about breasts, y'all. Unless they want to eat from them. Whether or not they're the breasts they're supposed to eat from.
She concludes by saying the trombone player from the opening anecdote is her husband, and she doesn't want to come home and hear stories about how he saw your boobs pop out. So she wrote out these thoughts for us.
*I feel like it's worth noting at this point that I have written previously on my emphatic position that anyone should be able to decline a dance for any reason they feel like, so if anybody has a problem with what I wear they are certainly free to not dance with me.
UPDATE: Lindy Shopper has deleted one of my comments on her post, which included a link to the wikipedia article on "slut shaming," which I was pretty remiss in not linking here the first time around. Here ya go.
Update2: followup post, with link roundup.